Senior year

So my senior year of high school starts. This was it; I had 9 months to go of high school. I forgot to mention that I was still a band nerd at this point because my mom felt that if I was in an extra curriculum activity I could not get into trouble. Well not so true. At this time the Miss America pageant was still held in Atlantic City and our school band went down to march in the parade, something about show us your shoe parade or something like that. Well it was always held on a Friday night, well the day we were suppose to go to this parade, I decided to skip school, so I had the whole day and night to be free. It was my friend Kelly and her bf at the time and this kid Jessie. **let me fill you in on Jessie, he dad was killed when we were in 6th grade by a drunk driver and he was in the car also, needless to say they got lots of money from this car accident***** So the 4 of us drove up to the poconos where Jessie’s family had a cabin in this gated community and they had a club house with a heated indoor pool and spa. Well I also got to try cocaine for the first time. I like cocaine but didn’t like the drips into my throat and the fact that the high wore off so fast. At this point in my life I was still a virgin, but I am sure if I wanted to I could have lost it that day, but I didn’t. We just swam and soaked in the hot tubs, and snorted coke. I don’t remember much of the rest of the day after we left there, I do remember going back to our town and swing my mom there and me hiding from her in the back of Kelly’s car, that was pretty funny. I also remember sitting in my car waiting for the buses to return back from the parade, then I called one of the freshmen’s over and asked them how it was and he said they got rained on the whole parade, so I stopped at the gas station and got 2 bottles of water and poured them over my band uniform so that it was wet, and then I went home and laid it out in the living room so it looked like that my uniform was soaking wet from the rain.

I also remember that my parents went away for a weekend trip and that Friday night that they left, I called Kelly to come on over and she did and she brought her boyfriend and another friend of ours and heroine. Now I never tried this before so I was kind of nervous plus I did not want to stick a needle in my arm and I heard all about how addictive it was. Well we didn’t do it with a needle we snorted it. I absolutely loved the high; it was like cocaine high but 10 times better and 8 hours longer. It was wonderful, I felt so numb and that is all I ever wanted in life, was just to have all the pain to go away.

Then October came around, Kelly dropped out of school, so did a lot of my other friends, they were just leaving one by one. I was left all alone. Travis and I were still fooling around, and I decided that I was a senior and I wanted to lose my virginity to get it over and done with. So one Sunday in October when I knew my family would be gone for the day I invited Travis over. Now Travis thought I already had sex before and I wasn’t going to tell him different. Well I guess I should have because he was more well off then I thought and he hurt me bad, maybe if he would have known that I was still a virgin he may have taken it easy on me. 2 weeks after we had sex Travis quit working and I never seen him again.

So there I was not a virgin anymore, no boyfriend, no friends left in school, I was alone again. I hated that feeling, that feeling of emptiness. No I had said before that the people I was friends with were the “bad kids” Now we all know about how kids have stereotypes in school, My friends that all quit school were consider, the druggies or wiggers. Then we had the Jocks, Preps, Snobs, Punks, Hicks, and the Geeks. Well consider all my friends left, I felt alone , so I started talking to some of the people that were considered the “hicks” now this was a big no no, because the hicks and the wiggers do not get along, because rap and country music do not combine, you were not aloud to like both. Well I did because I was raised on country music. So the underclassmen that were in the wigger group, totally got pissed at me, because I made new friends. I do not regret to this day making that decision.

My new friends helped me see that drugs were not good, so they were my support system. I totally stopped the drugs. I went to school almost all the time, except like once a month we would go for breakfast, but we just went in late.

We all sat at the same lunch table and we were known as the senior screaming table, because we were loud and had fun, it was just so nice to have them accept me for who I was and not for who they wanted me to be. At first they were very leery of me because they didn’t understand why I wanted to be with them, but after a while I opened up and they warmed up to me. And it wasn’t like I didn’t know this people, like Jenn or “fur” as we called her, I knew her since I was in 6th grade, she invited me to her birthday party in 6th grade. Billy, we knew each other since kindergarten, me and him and another kid Matt, we best friends in elementary school. The others I knew from passing in the halls and classes and stuff.

We were inseperatable. But we were not snobby, we still talked to other people, we were well liked, except for me, because I was known as a trader, amongst my old friends. I remember senior prom to this day. I went with a friend Will, he was/is such a sweet guy, never made a move on me until I made a move on him. After the prom we went to Jackson house and had a big old bon fire and camp out. It was so nice, no drugs, no alcohol, just friends hanging out enjoying each other, without having to have drugs or alcohol to have the good time.

Graduation came and this was the day I was dreading. 9 months earlier I couldn’t wait for this day to come but now that I was there I didn’t want it to end. I was not happy about what I had to do after high school. My mom made me go to a business school of her choice and a major of her choice, I really didn’t have a say in it, but I figured anything to keep her happy was the best.

Junior year

So my junior starts, and I just did not want to be at school anymore, I just hated it. I started to get further into doing drugs. It started with where my best friend Kelly and I would just get stoned before school. Then one day I remember sitting in math class and this one girl couldn’t stop laughing and moving around and I asked around to find out what she was on because she looked like she was having so much fun and I wanted to be like that. Anything that would keep me from feeling the pain of my real life had to be fun right? Well I found out later that day she was tripping on acid, and that set off my quest looking for acid. Well within a week I had dropped acid 3 times, I was totally hooked.

I was skipping school a lot. Kelly and I had it all figured out, if we skipped more the 2 days in a row they would be calling our parents, and we always had someone that would get our homework for us, so we knew what we needed to do to keep our grades up. I also worked at the local grocery store so I knew I could not skip on days that I was scheduled to work, because sometimes my teachers stopped in on their way home from school.

I had so much fun those days. I think back on them now and I can not believe how dumb I was for doing the drugs, but I was young and I was having fun.
If I could get no one to skip school with me, There was this guy John that dropped out and I knew he was always around, so I would go pick him up and then we would go to Spook lane, which was just a long gravel road that had some fallen down house on it, a old playground, and other things. But we would go there and just smoke up.

My mom got a later from the school about how many days I had missed and she flipped out, she took my car away from which meant I could not work anymore. She also called the school and told them that any day I was not at school they were to call her immediately. So I was forced to go to school. The funny thing about that was that when I would go to school stoned people thought nothing of it, but if I went sober, they thought I was on something.

Come summer time, my mom gave me my car back and I had to go get another job, so I started working at McDonald’s. I loved it because I got to meet people from other schools which was wonderful. I am going to name two guys now and the first guy just remember him because he will come back into my life later down the road, and that would be Matthew. Matthew worked at the Giant grocery store beside the McDonald’s I worked at, he would come over to visit because his brother worked with me, but he would also come over when I was working and his brother wasn’t because he wanted to get with me, but I thought he was creepy because I was 16 and he was 19 plus I was in love with Travis (this is the second guy) Travis was just wonderful, he was funny, great looking and could me on like no one else could. He would be at work usually by the time I got there but he found a way to come downstairs with me before my shift started and we would have a great make out session. God he was such a great kisser. And the best part about it was that he went to a different school then me, so I could be that mysterious with all my friends.

Rough child hood

Growing up in my home was difficult. I never knew where I belonged. My mom would leave for work before we woke up for school and would be sleeping when we got home. So as soon as we got home from school we were to start our home work. And after that, we either had to find dinner for ourselves, or if for some rare chance my step dad was coming home for dinner my mom would actually cook. We were expected to do certain things around the house and if we didn't we would get yelled at. We were expected to bring home good grades and if we didn't we would get yelled at. I am not saying my mom was mean, but she wasn't Mrs. Cleaver either. I mean every summer I was pawned off on someone else. When I was young I went to my grandparent's. The summer I was 13 and 14 I went to my aunt and uncles house in Connecticut to baby sit my 2 cousin's. It was nice there, they lived near the beach that we could walk to and they had a pool in their back yard. So yeah a normal teenager would enjoy it because my aunt paid me by taking me school clothes shopping and she was up on all the newer fashions and such. But when you are 50 lbs overweight u can't fit the newest fashions and she hated the fact that I wanted to shop in the boys section instead of the cutesy girls section. Grunge was in what could I say. I was working for her so I want to be paid in stuff that I was going to wear. My aunt hating shopping with me and I just hated shopping.

My freshman year in high school was okay, I hung out with mostly seniors because my sister was a senior. I was a band nerd, I had a few friends that were in my grade but didn't really hang with them. My sister and I became very close that year.

The summer in between my freshman and sophomore year, I was shipped to my aunt and uncle’s again to babysit. I was very depressed and just wanted to go home. I was 14 I wanted to be with my friends and my sister, but no I had to go because my mom didn't want to be bothered with me. I returned home to find out that my sister started dating this guy and she was never home or when she was home he was there with her. So I felt like I was losing her.

My sophomore year started rough because I lost my sister and my pals because they graduated. I started to get into a group of friends that were let’s just say the 'bad kids" we skipped school, did drugs, and got in trouble in school. I loved my new friends; they welcomed me with open arms. They were there when I needed them, or so I thought. I was free to do what I wanted because I didn’t have to worry about any of my family to find out because my sister was no longer there. And as long as I kept my grades stable my mom was not the wiser. The last day of my sophomore year I come home to my mom yelling at me and I was like what is going on? She showed me a note that said my sister and her boyfriend had decided to take off because he got kicked out of his parent’s house. The next 10 days were horrible all my mom did was cry and worry about my sister. Finally my brother calls to say they showed up at his house. So there we were packing over night bags at 6 at night and taking off to rescue my sister so to say. We were there for like 2 days and I guess my sister said she would come home and blah blah blah. And we headed back home. My mom and I in one car and my sister and her boyfriend left a few hours after we did.

Well we get home and my sister calls and says that she is not coming home but instead she was going to live with her boyfriend in some sleezy hotel. My mom was pissed off. And told my sister she didn’t want to see her again. So there I was caught between my mom and my sister.

The good thing that happened that summer was that my friend’s mom had bought a restaurant and she asked me to come work there on the weekends. So My mom would drive me to the restaurant on a Friday night and I would work and then I would go home with my friend and spend the weekends at her house. Now some times we would work on a Saturday sometimes we wouldn’t. and her parents were big partiers so we would get dropped off at her house on a Saturday night and then we were free to do what we wanted. So we in turn would party too. I thought it was the life. My mom was too wrapped up in my sister’s business to worry about me. I mean after all I was out of sight and out of mind to her.

about me....

I first started this blog as a way to make money, but I never made one cent from it. So now I am just going to use it as my personal journal. I always thought about writing a book about my life, but I don't think people would actually buy it. One of my past therapists told me that journal helps sort out your thoughts. So I figured this blog could be a little of both, So what I am going to do is start writing about my past and maybe once I get all caught up on that, I will write about my daily happenings in my life.


So if anyone actually reads this, let me start by trying to describe myself. I am 27 years old living in a trailer in a trailer park. I have a 5 year old son. I am separated from my husband and I am currently living alone with my son Nathaniel.

I work from home for a health Insurance company as a claims auditor. I love my job though I do get bored sometimes during the day, but then I just start talking to myself. I think that is why I think this blog will be a great idea.

I was born August 19. My parents were married at then time I was born, but I do not think happily, I only say that because when I was still in diapers (probably around the age of 2) my mom moved me, my brother and my sister into our step dad's house. I love my step dad to death because he was the only father figure I knew growing up. My real father never really came around, in fact the way I knew he was still alive was by his support checks coming in the mail.

My brother and I, though we are 6 years apart, were very close. Growing up I rather hang around him then my sister. Maybe I was bit of a tom boy, but I just adored my brother.

The Summer I turned 8, was the first summer I spent away from my brother and my sister. I was shipped off to my grandparent’s house 4 hours from my home. Though I did love going there because my cousin Sarina was there also and we are only 8 months apart in age, so we played together. My only regret about going to my grandparent’s house for the summer is that my grandmother loved to feed me and me porked up and never seemed to have lost that weight.

When I came home that summer, I could tell there was tension in the house. It seems like my brother, being the teenager he was, was acting out. He was running away from home and stuff. That winter my mom had enough and our father came and picked him up. My brother was gone. I was crushed. Then he got into more trouble while living with our father and our father decided he could not have him living there because he had 2 more kids by that time and they were allot younger. So my brother moved into a foster family by then, which luckily was a friend of his parents. I got to see him on the weekends but it was different. He was different. I missed him.

Then when he was 15 my grandparents got custody of him and he moved 4 hours away. Then I looked forward to the summers at my grandparents because I had my grandparents, my cousin, and my brother all to myself.

So here I am 10 years old and I have lost two major male figures in my life. My father and my brother. Though I did not blame them for their decisions, but instead I thought it was me. I thought it was me that made them leave......